Does Your Child Want to Cut Ties? Here's How to Handle the Situation
Medically reviewed by Emily Edlynn, PhDMedically reviewed by Emily Edlynn, PhDThe internet is awash with tales of adult children severing ties with their parents. Think Britney Spears' highly publicized fallout with her parents, and Shiloh Jolie (child of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie) petitioning to take "Pitt” off of her previously hyphenated last name. Stories of estrangement aren’t just the stuff of tabloids or celebrity gossip, though. They reflect real, complex family dynamics. What if you're the parent on the receiving end of this estrangement? Whether it's due to unresolved conflicts, differences in values, or other factors, facing a situation where your child chooses to distance themselves from you can be incredibly painful and confusing.Here's what to do when your child wants to cut ties, whether they're an adult or a teenager.
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Understanding the Reasons Behind Cut TiesThere are many reasons why a child might choose to stop communication with their parents. “While cutting ties can seem drastic, for some people it’s a last resort after other attempts to set boundaries have failed," explains Suzette Bray, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist.In other words, the decision to go "no contact," is usually made after considerable thought following sustained emotional turmoil.Understanding the reasons behind cutting ties is the first crucial step in potentially repairing the relationship. We detailed some common reasons for family estrangement below.Emotional or physical abuse: Past abuse, neglect, or abandonment can significantly contribute to the decision to distance oneself. The child might be considering their personal safety and well-being.Lack of support or understanding: Feeling unsupported or misunderstood can create emotional distance between parents and children.Differing values or beliefs: Significant differences in values or beliefs—whether religious, cultural, political, or other— can lead to conflicts that drive a wedge between parents and children.Influence of other relationships: Partners, friends, or other family members may influence a child's decision to cut ties.Unresolved conflicts: Ongoing disputes or unresolved issues can lead to estrangement; these conflicts could pop back up at family gatherings or after major life events.Desire for independence: A desire for autonomy and self-discovery can prompt a child to set firmer boundaries with their parents.How to React If Your Child Wants to Cut TiesBray says that it’s normal to feel a mixture of grief, frustration, anger, and confusion when you're a parent blindsided by your child’s decision to cut you out of their life. The following actions can help you navigate the difficult days ahead.Listen to your childHolding space for someone's feelings doesn’t mean you necessarily agree with everything they say, but you're providing an opportunity for them to be heard. “It's natural to feel defensive, especially if you feel like their perception doesn’t match your intentions," says Bray. "But arguing or justifying your behavior right away can shut down any chance of a productive conversation. Remember, their feelings are valid even if their interpretation of events doesn’t align with yours.”Acknowledge their feelingsEven if it’s difficult, it’s important to validate your child’s emotions. According to Bray, you could say, “I can hear that you’ve been hurting, and while it’s painful for me, I want to understand where you’re coming from.”Respect boundariesIf your child asks for space, don’t continue trying to fix the problem. Bray says even well-meaning messages can further damage the relationship if they violate clearly stated boundaries and make reconciliation even more difficult down the road.When to Seek Family TherapySometimes family therapy is the best way to work through the issue. If this is the case, everyone involved should turn up ready to acknowledge past hurts "without the intent to respond, but with the intent to heal," says Emily Morehead, MA, LPC-S, PMH-C, psychotherapist and co-owner of The Couch Therapy in Texas, who has experienced family estrangement firsthand when she cut ties with her own mother.Bray agrees that family therapy can be helpful with the right intentions. “Family therapy isn’t magic, and it definitely won’t work if one party is just there to prove the other wrong or is hoping for a quick fix," she says,Starting therapy early, as soon as conversations about pulling away from the family come up, can help to avoid lengthy estrangement, adds Bray. If your child agrees to attend therapy together, it may be a sign that they're open to resolving problems and could be a wake-up call to prevent estrangement.On the other hand, if your child has already cut ties, family therapy can help work through hurt feelings in a safe, neutral space. Long-Term Considerations for Going "No Contact"Reconciliation can take time, and as much as you may want things to go "back to normal,” forcing the issue before your child is ready isn't helpful, “As painful as it is, your child has the right to decide what kind of relationship they want with you, even if that’s no relationship for a period of time. Trying to push your way back in will only backfire," says Bray.Time apart can be a good opportunity to work on yourself and reflect on the past, including any regret you may have about your behavior or decisions. “Often, estrangement isn’t permanent. Your child may need time to cool down, heal, or find a sense of safety in their own life. Giving them space—without passive-aggressively checking in or putting pressure on them—can sometimes be the best path toward eventual reconnection,” says Bray.Although painful, family separation can teach us important lessons that can benefit other relationships. “If I have learned anything from estrangement, it is that I hope to always offer my children a safe space to be seen and heard,” says Morehead, who feels that her estrangement from her mother has impacted her own parenting journey. “I am quick to take ownership or apologize for small wrongs in hopes that when one day I do cause a 'big' wrong to them, I can sit with acknowledgment and work in reconciliation towards being the leader they need and the person that loves them unconditionally in childhood through adulthood.” For more Parents news, make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Read the original article on Parents.
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