Here Are Your Child's Five Love Languages
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Reviewed by Wayne Fleisig, Ph.D.Reviewed by Wayne Fleisig, Ph.D.The five love languages is a concept of how we receive and provide love to one another. Created by Gary Chapman, PhD, a marriage counselor known for his best-selling book The 5 Love Languages. The five love languages are physical touch, gifts, words of affirmation, acts of service, and quality time.Dr. Chapman's theory is that we all express and experience love in the same five ways, but everyone—including children—has one specific way that matters most to them. It's not enough to love your kids, says Dr. Chapman, who years later co-wrote The 5 Love Languages of Children. "You have to know how to communicate love to a child so that they genuinely feel loved."Keep reading to learn more about the five ways your child might show and receive love—plus my personal experience with finding out my kid's love language.
The Five Love LanguagesA person's "love language" is their way of expressing and receiving love. There are five different love languages, according to Gary Chapman, PhD:Quality timeWords of affirmationPhysical touchActs of serviceReceiving gifts
How Love Languages Can Affect ParentingHere's my real-life example of how love languages can affect parenting. My 6-year-old son, Stuart, is the type of kid I envied growing up: sweet and obedient enough to win his teachers' approval, but fun enough to score all the birthday party invites. Yet shortly after I returned from a spring work trip, I saw him pinch a green bean between his fingers and felt something whiz by my left ear. Then he shoved his 3-year-old sister, Josephine, to the ground.And later, he pulled the needles out of the knitting belonging to his older sister, Vivienne, letting the dropped stitches unravel to the floor. I knew he'd felt ignored that week with me away and the girls busy on playdates. So I told him how much I loved him, again and again, but he'd shrug and walk away. I wasn't sure how to get through to him.That changed after I read an article from Dr. Chapman about the different love languages. I realized that the verbal reassurances I'd been giving Stuart didn't mean nearly as much to him as hugs, cuddles, and other hands-on displays of affection. Now when he acts like he's running on an empty love tank, I scoop him up in my arms or shove his 65-pound, 4-foot frame into a baby carrier, and his mood flips as if I've hit a switch.But I still haven't stopped saying "I love you." Dr. Chapman insists that kids need to receive love in all five languages. That said, knowing which is your child's top choice can help strengthen your bond and stave off unwelcome behavior.Discovering Your Child's Love LanguageThe first step in identifying your child's primary love language is to pay attention to how they show you love. Why? We all tend to offer affection in the way we wish to receive it.Here's more information about the five different love languages—physical touch, gifts, words of affirmation, acts of service, and quality time—and how your child might express each one.1. Physical TouchThough a hug might say "I love you" to all kids, for ones who adore physical touch, it shouts, "I LOVE YOU!"Does your kid prefer physical touch?Dr. Chapman has a son who prefers this love language. "When I came home, he would run to the door, grab my leg, and climb all over me," he says. If children are constantly in your space, touching you, or playing with your hair, that's a signal that they need to be touched more, says Laura Markham, PhD, author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids.Expressing your love through physical touchSnuggle on the couch, ask your kid if they want to sit on your lap, and offer foot massages and high fives. My own little guy has dubbed holding hands "a hug for my hand." Dr. Chapman also suggests wrestling and playing sports that require jostling.Diana Peterfreund, of Silver Spring, Maryland, says, "I give my 3-year-old daughter loud kisses all over her head the way Cookie Monster eats a cookie. She laughs and asks, 'More kissy monster?'"Virginia Green, of San Francisco, and her 5-year-old daughter, Eloise, have a secret handshake. When she's experiencing some big emotions, Green says, "I'll reach over and squeeze her hand three times—that equals 'I love you.'"What to avoidYou should never hit your child as a slap or a spanking is hurtful to any child, Dr. Chapman warns, "but it is devastating to one whose primary love language is touch." Research has also shown that dads tend to become less physically affectionate when their daughters start to grow older because they feel ill at ease, says Dr. Markham. She suggests making a habit of good-morning and good-night hugs, even as kids get older.2. Receiving GiftsChildren who feel loved when they receive things aren't just pandering for more stuff. Instead, they are actively seeking ways to feel loved by you.Does your child prefer receiving gifts?Someone whose primary love language is receiving gifts tends to care about how a present is wrapped, and often remembers who gave them what for months or years after the fact. Anjali Jameson, of San Francisco, says, "One time, a grocery-delivery service sent me flowers because it had messed up my order. I spontaneously told my 5-year-old daughter that they were for her. She said, 'You love me!' and proceeded to tell everyone about the flowers from her parents."Another tip-off? Your kid has trouble throwing out things they have been given, even if they haven't looked at them in ages.Expressing your love through giftsYour child sees a gift as a symbol of your love, and it can be anything from a very smooth stone to a ball of yarn in just the color they mentioned liking two Tuesdays ago. Although it's fine to keep a closet full of wrapped dollar-store toys, you don't need to spend money. Try leaving an origami creation on your child's chair or a wildflower on their pillow."Every year since I left for college, my mom has mailed me leaves so I can enjoy a bit of fall from home," says Wisconsin native Skye Schulte, who now lives in San Francisco and hopes to do the same someday for a child of her own.Stickers and star charts are also concrete ways of making these children feel valued, says Harvey Karp, MD, creator of the DVD and book The Happiest Baby on the Block. On the receiving end, be sure to make a big deal of any gifts your child gives you by hanging artwork or creating a "precious things" table for those sculptures made from pipe cleaners and old corks.What to avoid"We have to be careful about overdoing gifts," Dr. Chapman says, "and we need to give kids gifts that are appropriate for their age and that will be helpful to them, rather than just what they want." He also says parents can be tempted to shower children with presents instead of also using the other love languages, something he's observed particularly often with divorced couples.3. Words of AffirmationFor kids who listen intently and speak sweetly, your loving words matter most.Does your child prefer words of affirmation?If your child beams whenever you praise them or offers you lots of sweet feedback—like when Josephine pulls me close to whisper, "Mommy, you are my favorite mommy"—they probably relish words of affirmation.Expressing love through wordsLittle notes in their lunch box, texts, and even a bracelet with something like "my hero" printed on it can mean the world to kids whose love language is words of affirmation. Auburn Daily, of San Francisco, says she gets down on her toddler's level, stares into her eyes, and says, "You are the best thing in my life. You are so important to me."Dr. Karp suggests "gossiping" or whispering loudly to a stuffed animal, another adult, or even a bird outside about something your kid did well since research shows we all believe more of what we overhear than what's told directly to us.What to avoidInsults cut deep, and Dr. Chapman says it's particularly important for these kids to hear the words "I love you" standing alone, rather than, "I love you, but..." Tying those three words to anything else can imply that your love is conditional, Dr. Markham notes.4. Acts of ServiceActs of service may be the most peculiar-sounding love language, but kids who speak it appreciate thoughtful gestures, like buying flavored seltzer and making a mocktail complete with a mini umbrella and a pineapple slice.Does your child prefer acts of service?Your child may beg you to tie their shoes, fix a broken toy, or fluff their pillow. As a result, parents of these kids often end up feeling like servants, but it may help to reframe seeing those requests as simple requests to feel loved.Expressing your love through acts of serviceThe possibilities are endless, including making exceptions to a general rule (like helping slip my 9-year-old daughter Vivienne's legs into a pair of pants) and going above and beyond (such as first warming their clothes in the dryer on a cold morning).But as these children—and all kids—grow, it's important to encourage self-reliance and expect them to do what they can for themselves at each stage of development. The best act of service you can provide is walking your child through a new process and teaching them, step-by-step, how to be more capable, says Dr. Chapman.What to avoid"You certainly don't have to jump at every request," Dr. Chapman says. A thoughtful response will do, even if it's to deny an ask. And watch out for how those exceptions to rules pile up. Whenever I find myself regularly scooping Vivienne's dirty jammies off the floor and carrying her backpack to the door for her, I try to stop and recalibrate.5. Quality TimeThese children feel most valued when you choose to spend quality time with them.Does your child prefer quality time?A child who often says, "Watch this!" or "Play with me!" is begging for quality time. Dr. Chapman's own daughter would say, "Daddy, come to my room! I want to show you something."Expressing your love through quality timeIn addition to just being together, offer your undivided attention. Dr. Markham calls this "special time," and says it can be short, but let your child choose the activity. Cedric Chauvet, of Seattle, says, "Each of my kids will beg for a 'conversation.' It's a one-on-one chat we'll have while lying in bed head-against-head before going to sleep."What to avoid"If your child's love language is quality time and your method of discipline is putting them in their room and isolating them, that's a severe punishment to that child," says Dr. Chapman. Also, don't assume that spending extra time together means that you need to abandon your to-do list. Even reading beside your child when they are absorbed in their own play will let them feel your warm presence.Can Your Child's Love Languages Change?Though Dr. Chapman believes that love languages are like personality traits that stay with us for life, your child's preference might seem to change from moment to moment and stage to stage. A toddler who craves snuggles may grow into a 7-year-old who likes to roughhouse. A kid who basks in praise might become skeptical of your reassurance at some point and instead, just need a little quality time.Stay tuned in to what your child's reactions and behaviors say about the type of love they need in any given moment and there's no doubt that you'll continue to connect—and reconnect—as they grow. For more Parents news, make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Read the original article on Parents.
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