How To Stop Siblings From Fighting, According to a Child Psychologist
Medically reviewed by Michelle Felder, LCSW, MAMedically reviewed by Michelle Felder, LCSW, MADealing with siblings fighting is nothing out of the ordinary—it’s actually quite the opposite. Whether your children are toddlers or teens, it's common for siblings to battling it out quite a bit, with research suggesting up to 80% have engaged in at least mild sibling aggression (such as hitting).So, what’s a parent to do when their children clash? Here, we take a look at the importance of positive sibling relationships, reasons for rivalry and conflict, and the best ways to keep siblings from fighting all the time.
How Can You Help Improve Siblings Relationships?Here are five tips for encouraging positive sibling relationships and reducing fighting:Demonstrate healthy conflict resolution“When you have a disagreement or fight with your spouse or partner, model the type of conflict resolution you would be okay with your children emulating,” explains Jeff Garofano, PhD, a Child Psychologist at Johns Hopkins Children’s Center and Assistant Professor of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at The Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine. He suggests making a point of demonstrating to your children that even when you fight, you still love your family member, and once you take the time and space you need or have a chance to talk things through, you're able to bounce back to normal. (The ability to bounce back is important!)When there's a conflict, model how you own your part, take responsibility for your actions, and repair the harm done. For example, you can say, "I was feeling pretty mad. I wish that I had told you that calmly instead of yelling. I'm working on it and will try my best to express how I feel differently next time. I love you."Pay more attention to good behaviorRather than only focusing on fighting and “bad” behavior, Dr. Garofano recommends focusing more on the good—and making a point of letting them know you saw it. For example: “I love that I can now drop both of you off at the basketball court and don’t need to worry about you guys fighting,” or “I'm glad to see you both were able to use the Xbox calmly today, you can have an extra 30 minutes of screen time, keep it up!” Most importantly, be genuine when offering praise. “Praising the positive behaviors you want to see more of is a great way to increase the frequency of healthy sibling play and interactions that occur,” adds Dr. Garofano.Set up a positive reinforcement systemDr. Garofano offers a creative strategy that involves children earning “points” for positive behavior, such as cleaning their room, following directions, keeping hands and feet to themselves, turning off screens when asked, etc. “Maybe [they get] bonus points when parents catch them playing nicely together,” he says. “Kids can then cash in points for privileges and rewards. A fun modification is to create rewards that take multiple children working together.” For example, if by the end of the week all the siblings have 100 points between them, they can exchange the points for a pizza and movie dinner on Friday night. “Strategies like these breed cooperation,” says Dr. Garofano. “The more cooperation, the less room for fighting. This approach can be modified for use with school-aged children up to teenagers.”Keep it calm and neutralEven if you feel one sibling in particular is causing the conflict, try approaching the situation from a neutral standpoint. Start with “What’s going on?” instead of “What did your sister do now?” Perceived favoritism can lead to even more conflict, especially when both children crave attention.Along these lines, Dr. Garofano recommends avoiding the need to keep everything “fair.” He explains, “If a parent of one of my patients asks me [if they should be fair], I would want to ask why fairness is important to them. What does fairness mean to them? Generally, my advice would be a balanced approach, leaning more into fairness in the earlier ages while differentiating as the children develop.”
TipIt's important to keep in mind that fair does not always mean equal. What one child needs—based on their age, development, temperament, or unique personality—may be different than what your other child needs. Instead of keeping things "fair," try to embrace the importance of everyone getting what they need.
Play mediator, not refereeInstead of solving the conflict for them, teach siblings how to listen, problem-solve, and compromise on their own. Acting as a guide rather than a supervisor will help them develop the skills needed to communicate and resolve conflict later on.If needed, walk them through it! Ask each sibling to explain how they are feeling, identify what went wrong, and come up with a better way to handle the situation moving forward.Why Do Siblings Fight?Siblings are bound to have a little rivalry now and then—but that comes with the territory of spending so much time together. “Mild levels of sibling fighting are a normal part of childhood and can even contribute to important developmental processes and maturation,” explains Dr. Garofano. “Childhood is a time when children need to learn how to deal with various forms of conflict. Just like wolf pups engage in rough play, your pups need to learn to navigate the various forms of conflict they will face in adulthood.”Dr. Garofano offers a few examples of why siblings may fight based on age: Toddlers: Not wanting to share, wanting more attention, feeling frustrated, or not being able to communicate clearly. Elementary age: Feeling like things are “unfair” or fighting over family roles (ex: who gets to set the table or make the rules in a game).Teens: Perceived privacy violations, competition over achievements/popularity/parent approval, or fighting over resources such as access to video games, the family car, clothing, etc.Ultimately, children's needs and stressors change as they grow older, which affects how they get along with their siblings. Individual temperaments and personalities play a role, too—for example, if one sibling gets upset easily and the other is more laid back, they’re likely to butt heads more often.Understanding the Sibling DynamicSibling relationships are some of the longest connections people have—starting in early childhood and often lasting throughout adulthood—and play a significant role in a person’s overall development. After all, siblings learn a lot from each other, including how to work through conflict, show support and respect for others, and appreciate differences.Simply put? Sibling relationships really matter! The interaction and bond between siblings serve as a foundation for emotional well-being and can influence an individual’s personality, social skills, and mental health In some cases, sibling relationships can even have a more significant influence than those of parents or peers. Positive sibling connections during childhood are linked to a number of benefits later in life, including peer acceptance, social competence, academic engagement, and more intimate relationships.When Is Sibling Fighting Something More Serious?Sibling violence or abuse describes a repeated pattern of physical aggression with the intent to inflict harm. It’s typically motivated by a need for power and control. “Sibling fighting can become problematic if there is significant physical fighting. If the child’s body shows the results of physical fighting, it should be addressed,” explains Dr. Garofano.He offers additional signs that sibling fighting may need intervention, including: A significant power imbalance, such as a 16-year-old fighting with an 8-year-old.The fighting is chronic and not improving, or there are significant threats or injuries.One sibling seems to dominate the other.The fighting is becoming a disruption to family functioning or impacting other family members.One child appears withdrawn or isolated, is fearful around the other sibling, and shows a significant change in their emotional state (for example, noticeably more angry, sad, or anxious).One of the best ways to determine whether you’re dealing with harmful sibling aggression is to assess its emotional impact. Dr. Garofano recommends asking yourself the following: “When the fight is over, are they able to return to friendly interactions in a reasonable amount of time? Or does the emotional impact on one or both siblings seem to linger for longer than a day?”Of course, age is a big factor in determining the severity of sibling fighting. For example, a 5-year-old hitting their sibling over a toy may be considered developmentally appropriate, but a teenager constantly shoving their much younger sibling is a more concerning scenario.Long-term Effects of Sibling FightingWhile sibling fighting is common, it can still have a detrimental impact depending on its severity and frequency. “Problematic levels of sibling fighting can have a substantial psychological impact,” says Dr. Garofano. Research has found that sibling bullying is linked to an array of negative outcomes in young adults, including a lower sense of competence, life satisfaction, and self-esteem. It also has the potential to double the risk of depression and self-harm in early adulthood. A study published in Pediatrics examined the association of different forms of sibling conflict with mental health distress. It found that children who experienced sibling aggression had worse psychological outcomes than children who did not, including anxiety, depression, and acting out. This was true for different types of aggression, including physical fights with or without weapons or injuries, damage to belongings, and emotional bullying.
Siblings Fighting Is Normal—But Likely Not ForeverSibling conflicts are to be expected, whether you have rowdy toddlers or temperamental teenagers. With a little patience and the right strategies, you can help them get along—especially by setting clear boundaries, teaching them how to communicate and problem solve, leading by example, and rewarding positive behavior as much as possible. “Learning conflict resolution through childhood experiences are important for your child’s development,” says Dr. Garofano. “Model the behavior you want them to emulate, including conflict resolution, and foster, praise, and reward their positive interactions.”If the emotional or physical toll of fighting is chronic or significant, it may be time to consider family therapy or individual therapy. Always reach out to your medical provider if you’re concerned sibling rivalry is turning aggressive, violent, or abusive. Remember, healthy sibling fighting is not likely to last forever! Siblings tend to outgrow their combative phase, and by fostering positive sibling relationships and teaching the best ways to navigate conflict in a home filled with emotional warmth and communication, kids have a better shot at developing an understanding of the importance of conflict resolution. For more Parents news, make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Read the original article on Parents.
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