The huge mistake men are making in relationships that kills intimacy in seconds
By ELISE WILSON
An Australian provisional psychologist has struck a viral nerve with a powerful video that's resonating with thousands around the world - and his message is especially aimed at men.
Sydney-based relationship expert Samuel Dreyfus is the soft-spoken, emotionally intelligent voice behind a now-viral Instagram video titled 'The fastest way to kill connection in a relationship'.
The 90-second truth bomb has now racked up more than 939,000 views.
In the video, Sam offers a gentle but firm wake-up call to his largely male audience, explaining the way many men are communicating in their relationships is unintentionally sabotaging intimacy.
'I'm going to hold your hand when I say this,' he said in the clip. 'Especially for the boys.'
'One of the quietest ways to ruin your relationship is to bring up all of your unresolved emotions, and the things that have been festering in your mind, immediately after your partner has shared theirs.'
The clip, while short, packs a serious punch, and it's not just men who are being encouraged to take notes.
Sam explains that while it might seem 'fair' to bring up your own perspective in the heat of an emotional conversation, especially when your partner has just shared something vulnerable, it often has the opposite effect.
Sydney-based relationship expert Samuel Dreyfus (pictured) has struck a viral nerve with a powerful video that's resonating with thousands around the world
He states that one of the fastest ways to kill connection in a relationship is to 'bring up all of your unresolved emotions, and the things that have been festering in your mind, immediately after your partner has shared theirs'
'All it does is kill the safety net that is necessary for someone to feel vulnerable,' he said.
'Instead of cultivating connection, it redirects the emotional spotlight and turns what could have been a moment of deepened intimacy into a missed opportunity. Or worse, an emotional shutdown.
'Your person has just offered you a hand into their world. And instead of staying or holding or listening, you redirect the spotlight on yourself.
'You've traded what could have been empathy and understanding for a defence of your own experience.'
Sam acknowledged that many men hesitate to voice concerns during peaceful or happy moments in a relationship.
It's a fear he hears often in his sessions with male clients.
'Guys tell me, 'I don't want to bring up a bad thing when things are going well, because it'll just ruin the good mood.'
But, according to Sam, this strategy is flawed and even damaging in the long run.
Sam explains that while it might seem 'fair' to bring up your own perspective in the heat of an emotional conversation, especially when your partner has just shared something vulnerable, it often has the opposite effect
'There's no better time to have a hard conversation than when you're already in sync. And the best time to raise your concerns is when the soil is soft, not when the storm is overhead.'
The post, which has prompted some serious self-refection of both Sam's clients and followers around the world, it serves as an important reminder for couples everywhere.
Sam has successfully voiced what is often an overlooked dynamic in emotional communication.
'When you wait for conflict to speak your truth, then all of the healing just becomes damage control,' he warned.
The message? Don't wait until you're fighting to express how you feel. Vulnerability is most effective when it comes in moments of calm, not chaos.
With mental health awareness and emotional literacy becoming increasingly urgent topics, especially among men, Sam's video seems to have hit the cultural moment with precision.
And while the video is directed at 'the boys,' his advice holds just as true for women.
'Good one for the girls too,' one fan commented. I' know I've been guilty of this more than once - pointing it out like this is a nice way to learn.'
No matter who is listening, Sam's message is clear: true emotional connection requires timing, tenderness, and the courage to speak up when things are going well, not just when they're falling apart.
And whether you're the one sharing or the one listening, his advice serves as a powerful reminder that empathy isn't about waiting your turn to speak, it's about knowing when not to.
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