New Survey Says Moms Find More Joy in Parenthood Than They Expected
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Parenting can be hard, but here's why we shouldn't forget the happy moments.
GettyImages/MoMo Productions
Fact checked by Sarah ScottFact checked by Sarah ScottIs it possible that motherhood…isn’t that bad? Or at least more positive—yes, positive—than what the social media algorithm feeds us?A new survey of more than 5,000 mothers from Peanut, an app for those navigating fertility, pregnancy, motherhood, or menopause, found that 84% of mothers don’t think parenting is accurately portrayed in the content they consume.That likely doesn’t come as a surprise, but this might: 91% of moms say they felt more joy and fulfillment than anticipated, and 81% feel there should be more emphasis on the positive aspects of parenthood.I was not involved in this survey, and if I were, I would’ve said the same thing: Parenting needs a reputation manager.The Joys of ParentingPeanut’s survey is part of a broader campaign meant to shift the narrative about the realities of parenting to one that’s more nuanced than what we’ve seen in the digital age. It includes a video that begins with multiple ways to describe motherhood: amazing, hard, challenging, beautiful…and complicated.It then gets into a steady stream of headlines and broadcast news segments reporting on the stress and dread around parents. A Vox headline reads, “How millennials learned to dread motherhood." (I read the article when it came out—it's fantastic and speaks to what Peanut is trying to say.)There’s talk of declining birth rates, the mental load, and various other pain points, some of which were cited by Surgeon General Vivek Murthy when he issued an advisory in August 2024 on the mental health and well-being of today’s parents.Then, there’s a sharp pivot to quieter moments—a mother nursing, cuddling in bed, and having a silly time during meals.Peanut’s survey found that simple moments like morning cuddles (62%), spontaneous laughter (57%), and watching a child develop new skills (52%) brought moms more joy than elaborate, expensive ones. View this post on Instagram A post shared by Peanut App (@peanut)
The Shift in Parenting NarrativesIn the aughts and 2010s—when “Mommy blogging” was at its peak and Instagram was a shiny new toy full of product flat lays on millennial pink backdrops—the content was often a highlight reel of wins.There was smiling kids in coordinated (but not matching) outfits in front of a fireplace on Christmas. Moms (usually white and thin) in cozy reading nooks staring out bay windows. A “candid” (choreographed) moment of solace on a Sunday morning. Elaborate family vacations.If that was their real life—no shame.But many people felt inadequate, and a new narrative emerged in the 2020s (likely due to the pandemic and also the “more real” vibe of reels on TikTok). The invisible load entered the mainstream lexicon—and not a moment too soon. There were reminders that we’re all good parents and none are perfect. The photos of moms staring out of bay windows at something idyllic were replaced by crying ones after something went wrong, somewhere.Again, I’m not saying this to shame mothers—I’ve certainly cried a lot. And I'm not saying that parenthood is easy. However, the prevailing message has been: Motherhood is so hard, it may not be worth it.To be clear, this narrative existed before the pandemic, but a global public health crisis and social media platforms like TikTok offered a time and place to say the quiet parts out loud. While the good aspects were all over social media before I had children in 2019, so many people I knew kept telling me about how horrible parenthood was and how it would essentially ruin my life, take away my ability to engage in hobbies, and mean I’d never drink wine again.Embracing the Positives of MotherhoodI wanted to be a writer and mother my entire life—but the motherhood part was non-negotiable—and I found myself getting cold feet. Working in tech in New York City at the time also saw me regularly mingling with women who were very outspoken about not wanting children because “they just steal your freedom.”Hot take? Motherhood hasn’t ruined my career or body, and it hasn’t stolen my autonomy. After having my child, I left my city job and pursued my goal of writing full-time, finally “leaning into” something I genuinely enjoyed. I’m also running my fifth marathon overall and second as a mother (and a nursing one at that) this weekend.I read to wind down at night. I’m making more of an effort to reconnect with family and friends I lost touch with during the dark days of the pandemic. The naysayers were right about one thing: Our gatherings are tamer and involve little to no wine, but my internal organs are grateful.But, like the Peanut respondents, my favorite moments are the ones at home. I recently showed my son how to put on his sneakers and watched him do it. My youngest giggles so hard that he snorts. They are adorable when they play with our new kitten. Listening to my kids in the backseat on road trips and rides home from Grandma’s literally makes me feel warm inside.These moments offer more genuine joy than any byline or finish line. And no, they don’t make headlines, but I’m clearly not alone with my feelings. So, maybe the headlines need to shift again to something more nuanced.Parenting Is Still Hard and Not for EveryonePeanut is correct: Motherhood and the narrative around it are complicated, especially in a post-Roe world. I mentioned autonomy above, and I’m fortunate to live in a state where I do have autonomy around reproductive choices. “Fortunate” should not be a term we use to describe abortion rights, which have also affected people’s ability to handle the loss of a pregnancy they very much wanted without added scrutiny and physical and emotional pain.My former colleagues also have every right not to want kids—motherhood isn’t “everything,” not even to me (that’s way too much pressure to put on my kids). While they certainly didn’t “ruin everything” for me (and I don’t think we should make such sweeping general statements), other people may envision a kid-free lifestyle, and there’s nothing wrong or selfish about that. Having kids you don’t want to check a box is more selfish.Others can’t have children, and fertility assistance and adoption don’t work for everyone for various logistical, emotional, and financial reasons.We can hold space for all of these situations. We can also hold space for my biggest gripe about the current, prevailing parenting narrative—it often almost blames kids themselves for the stress of caregiving. Sure, raising a human with a developing brain, limited impulse control, and a ton of needs they can’t fulfill themselves (for several years) is inherently challenging.Yet, the most significant problem is that the U.S. continues to decide that parenting is more like running a marathon than playing lacrosse—an individual pursuit rather than a team sport that involves parents and non-parents alike.We’re all responsible for the next generation, which means embracing policies like paid leave and reemerging from the child care cliff that’s made it challenging for daycares (necessary for many parents forced to return to work weeks after having a child). Indeed, 89% of mothers in the Peanut survey responded that they felt that current social support systems are insufficient. We shouldn’t gloss over the need for more support or that parenting is hard.But we don’t need to forego the joy in the process—not because it’ll take away the hard but because joy is more necessary when life isn’t going our way than when it is. The morning cuddles give us something to hold onto—a reason to move forward one step, one breath at a time—until the next small moment that brings a giant smile. For more Parents news, make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Read the original article on Parents.
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