8 Genius Phrases To Shut Down Rude Comments, According to Psychologists
A rude comment can have the power to ruin your entire day, whether it’s a passive-aggressive remark from a co-worker, a troll who comments rudely on your social media post or maybe even a loved one has said something to upset you. A person’s rudeness can make you feel angry, sad or lower your self-esteem, and perhaps later, you regret not having the perfect thing to say in response to their low blow. Well, as it turns out, there are some genius phrases that can stop rude comments in their tracks, preventing conflicts from escalating or making the person think twice about what they said. Ahead, we’ll share exactly how to deliver these comments. Related: 100 Good Comebacks & Sick Burns That'll Let You Walk Away From Any Argument Feeling VictoriousWhat Makes a Comment Rude?We all have our own interpretations of what makes a comment “rude,” based upon our backgrounds, our sensitivity levels or the unique relationship shared with the person who said the comment. Psychologists Dr. Jim Guinn and Dr. John Eliot form the duo The Conflict Docs, and they’re also co-authors of How to Get Along with Anyone: The Playbook for Predicting and Preventing Conflict at Work and at Home. Dr. Guinn believes that rudeness really comes down to perception, which includes perceiving the tone and intent of the message. A rude comment can also be intentional, so as to trigger and gain the advantage, or it can be unintentional. Dr. Eliot calls rude comments “relationship hiccups” or “torpedoes.” “If someone has not taken the time to get to know our perspectives, preferences and peccadillos, they can easily misstep, saying something that offends us,” Dr. Eliot says. “If someone does not want to get to know us on this level—or they do know us this well and don’t care—they are choosing to forgo the relationship in favor of their own desires or status.” Oftentimes, a rude comment can feel condescending, dismissive, passive-aggressive or even outrightly aggressive to the person hearing the comment, as Judy Ho, Ph. D., ABPP, Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, Associate Professor of Psychology at Pepperdine University, puts it. In addition, Dr. Ho says that someone might make a rude comment if they feel hurt about something, and in the moment, they want to hurt someone else. They might feel a lack of control and want to assert control through a curt comment that can make someone feel “small.” They might feel insecure. Or they just might want attention, because even negative attention is still attention.Related: 35 Phrases To Set Boundaries Firmly and Fairly, According to Mental Health Pros9 Genius Phrases To Shut Down Rude Comments1. “Could you please clarify?”Dr. Guinn says that asking for a clarification does two things: “it communicates that we are listening and it makes them pause to think,” he says. “Both lower emotion, bringing rationality back into the conversation.” 2. “What I’m hearing you say is __________.”Similar to asking for clarification, Dr. Guinn says that this phrase provides listening confirmation while also allowing you to reframe a rude comment into something totally different. “It opens the door for unintentionally rude comments to be ‘walked back’ or, if the other person doubles down, reveals their true intentions such that you are armed with knowledge of their style and strategy,” he explains. 3. “That reminds me, you were saying __________.”Dr. Eliot says that this phrase puts something called the “Detour Technique” into practice. “When someone makes a rude comment, immediately ask a question about something they’ve said that is unrelated to the rude comment,” he suggests. “When you say a version of this, you allow the other person to hold the floor, but on a more productive topic. They are ‘getting their way’ so to speak but without the deleterious impact of rudeness.” 4. “I’m curious—what made you say that?”“This [phrase] helps because it puts responsibility back on the person who made that remark, and asks them directly to reflect on their intention,” Dr. Ho shares. “This can sometimes help them to realize those words were too harsh or perhaps there is another way to say it.” 5. “I’d like to keep this conversation respectful on both sides. Can we reset?”Dr. Ho says that this phrase calls out that you perceived what they said as disrespectful and also at the same time makes a bid to compromise and come back together to engage in more thoughtful discussion. 6. “Wow, that was a bold statement. Tell me more.”“This works because it disarms the person, showing curiosity and not confronting them or being passive-aggressive,” Dr. Ho observes. “This leads them to have to explain why they are being rude, but stating it as ‘bold’ does not necessarily label their comment right away. It is a direct, but more neutral, way to describe that this statement made you pay attention and had an impact on you.” 7. “Ouch. That was hurtful/unnecessary/upsetting/(insert your own word that describes how it affected you).”If you’re sincerely hurt by the rude comment, Dr. Ho says that this phrase is short, direct, emotionally intelligent and self-reflective, since you’re owning how it made you feel. “This acknowledges the comment was hurtful and does not invite further negativity from them,” she explains. 8. SmileActually, this approach isn’t a phrase. Rather, it’s an expression on your face that can say it all. Simply smiling can be a very effective, easy, fast way to disarm a rude comment, according to Dr. Eliot. After smiling, Dr. Eliot recommends proceeding with a positive or productive reply as if the rude comment never existed. “Human beings all have ‘Mirror Neurons’ in our brains that work to interpersonally align nonverbal posture, expression, timing and tone,” he explains. “The longer you act in a calm, warm, pleasant manner, the more the person with whom you’re conversing will let go of their stress as they subconsciously begin to adopt your approach.”Related: 35 Common Gaslighting Phrases in Relationships and How To Respond, According to TherapistsWhy Is It Important to Shut Down Rude Comments?Dr. Guinn says that rude comments escalate conflict rather than work toward problem solving or relationship building, which is why it’s important to shut them down.It also can address people talking past each other and not understanding one another. “If a rude comment stems from two people not understanding each other very well, such a comment will get in the way of continuing to build the relationship,” Dr. Eliot says, echoing Dr. Guinn’s point. “On the other hand, if a rude comment is being used as a manipulative tactic, it stands to interfere with productive dialog or negotiation. In either case, the comment serves only to propagate a poor outcome.”Another label that Dr. Ho has for conflict is “toxic dynamics,” which can exist in both personal and professional relationships. “Allowing these rude comments to go unchallenged pushes on your boundaries and can diminish your self-confidence and the way you feel about yourself in allowing another person to treat you this way,” she explains. Up Next:Related: An Etiquette Expert Is Begging People To Stop This 'Rude' Habit in PublicSourcesPsychologists Dr. Jim Guinn and Dr. John Eliot, The Conflict Docs and co-authors of How to Get Along with Anyone: The Playbook for Predicting and Preventing Conflict at Work and at HomeJudy Ho, Ph. D., ABPP, Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, Associate Professor of Psychology at Pepperdine University
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